Tuesday, January 5, 2010

to top it off

i wrote this piece for a contest over at clarity of night--finally posting it here.

he has another contest going, have a gander if you feel like something that can earn you some cash!

To Top it Off

So, I just talk into the microphone?

Right. We’d met via the internet, the shadkhen for the 2000’s... who needs a person? You use the internet for dating, hooking up...marriage. We met, we courted.. we had our first sexual experience . On computers. A year of talking, emails and a lot more virtual sex later, he flew to Chicago from Los Angeles, I’m at baggage check, holding a sign, in case the real me didn’t look like the virtual me. We had the initial greeting, our faces not sure which way to go as we moved in for the hug/kiss--awkward, right?

So, off to a great place that served famous pizza in a town known for pizza. There, it all started to crumble. I noticed when he spoke to me, he moved his fingers on the table as if typing. I ordered a beer (with pizza, you have beer, right?) and he chose “...a nice red wine, not too earthy”. Then, then, he did something that proved this had become a momentous FUBAR. I could have lived with the girth I’d never seen before, his staring at my chest when he spoke, even the fuckin’ pretentious wine. It ended when he eschewed my suggestion of sausage and olives, choosing ham and pineapple.

Ham. And. Pineapple.

Okay, granted, sending him back to L.A. was a smarter choice than the one I took--that whole stabbing him in the eye with my fork.

But, really, ham and pineapple?


  1. ok,
    spicy sausage, bloody red sauce, and black salty olives, I'd take any day over pinapple it's too sweet. I married it anyway!


  2. Wait for it... wait for it...


    From the tapping the microphone (I heard the tap!) to the last line, I was laughing. At first I thought it was going to be a reality show, but you brought it to an even funnier place.

    AND THE VOICE! Pefect, Quin.

    BTW, I also enjoyed how your punctuation in this brought it even more to life. I know, you (or others) may say that's silly to appreciate, but punctuation can take a story from words on the screen to a compelling voice and vivid picture inside the head. This one work--
    listen... do you smell something?

    hmmm, pineapple (yes, all my senses were involved in this one.) And the victim typing on the table when he talked--what a perfect detail!

  3. Great details here. I don’t get why people like pineapple and ham on a pizza. Don’t people realize what they’re sending out there when they state such a preference?

  4. Red wine with pizza? Not on this side of the Atlantic. I've had the "Hawaiian," before...I could go without again. The two things together? Definitely time to dump 'em.

  5. Beer goes with pizza, sheesh what a nutjob. Great tale, funny even. You were funny. O.O

  6. hmmmm, stab in the eye for looking into your wired soul—obviously your soul is housed in your bosom—and not able to read your disdain of ham & pineapple pizza or get into the beer of pizza spirit but opting for wine—was the wine chilled?...I've kicked men to the curb for less...Get out off my life you wine swilling ham and pineapple pizza eating table rapping, chest watcher! Begone! Oh, and by the way, you might want to update your profile pic

  7. Funny. Funny. Funny. I hate pineappled pizza. That's not even pizza! I agree with a previous commenter in that the punctuation added to enlivening the voice, and what a voice in this piece! Maybe you were a bit quick to react with the fork, but I dunno...If you'd let him escape without making your drastic statement, he would just go and do that shtick with someone else.
    This was top-notch.