Perhaps there was a time I called her 'Mama', back when I first learned to form words, back when much of your life is spent in the darkness of ignorance. Perhaps there was a time I used the word 'Mommy', because that is what my friends called that parent.. and who was I to be different? I do not ever remember using the word "Mom"--it is too personal, too dear a title for me to have bestowed it upon her.
She is now, has almost always been--will remain-- 'Mother', a word that distances me from her. I do not use it to patronise, I use it to set boundaries, keep me out of her reach. It is formal, cold, detached; much like the woman herself. I will not weaken in my resolve... I will not bend to give her a softer title.
I loved her at some point, I hated her at another, and now I struggle daily not to become her.
So far, I've succeeded.