Her
Perhaps there was a time I called her 'Mama', back when I first learned to form words, back when much of your life is spent in the darkness of ignorance. Perhaps there was a time I used the word 'Mommy', because that is what my friends called that parent.. and who was I to be different? I do not ever remember using the word "Mom"--it is too personal, too dear a title for me to have bestowed it upon her.
She is now, has almost always been--will remain-- 'Mother', a word that distances me from her. I do not use it to patronise, I use it to set boundaries, keep me out of her reach. It is formal, cold, detached; much like the woman herself. I will not weaken in my resolve... I will not bend to give her a softer title.
I loved her at some point, I hated her at another, and now I struggle daily not to become her.
So far, I've succeeded.
I know how hard this has been for you and this is a look at a situation that is both honest and bittersweet.
ReplyDeletethis sounds like me, don't know if this is from personal experience, but it sounds very real, I like the part about not bending to give her a softer title
ReplyDeleteMy G*d, you're writing about me...that is exactly how I felt/feel about my mother...
ReplyDeleteNice write, if a little spooky.
And keep trying.
I know exactly what you mean. I called my mother Maggy. Her decision, not mine. She did not like the role of mother. How was she so lucky to get such a dutiful daughter? As you may have noticed, the novel Maggy is about our dysfunctional relationship.
ReplyDeleteNice writing.
Full of strength and resolution. A sad story but more common than one would believe. Nicely written, well told...
ReplyDeleteHonest, so honest and well written
ReplyDeleteYes..so very honest, and excellent writing.
ReplyDelete"I loved her at some point. I hated her at another, and now I struggle daily not to become her.
So far, I've succeeded"
Those lines are so poignant...I can relate.
So concise! You described what I've observed of many a woman in her 30s or 40s. And you've done it perfectly.
ReplyDeleteSadly too common for some people.
ReplyDeleteSome day i will tell you how it can be more complicated. some day.
ReplyDeleteThis does come across with so much honesty I cannot think that this is a fiction. Painfully poignant.
ReplyDeleteI pray that I don't inflict lasting pain on my children. Both my parents are gone now and any issues unresolved will be that way forever. Maybe they would have anyway. I just try to avoid ending up on Jerry Springer...
ReplyDeleteFamily relationships are sooo complicated aren't they? You don't get to pick them and you can't break up with them - you just drag them around chained somewhere. Here's to healing!!
Do you suppose Nietzsche was really talking about parenting?
ReplyDeleteI read this twice. Do we know each other? lol VERY well written, full of raw honesty. I can respect that. :)
ReplyDelete